I Thought…..


I thought…………
For the past few nights I have been in heavy thought.

Wondering…..
Contemplating…..
Hoping….

Words floated endlessly through my mind just like feathers on the wind on a cool autumn breeze. Frighteningly beautiful thoughts.
To have all, then to lose it all…..

To want more, yet be unable to obtain it…
Consumed by the thought of not knowing……never truly knowing……….
I thought

Tears of sadness flowed from those big eyes that so many said were beautiful. The smile that was always there was no more. Like the rivers that flow through so many places ….

A never ending flow……..
            Drifting around the curves of earthly flesh….
                        Ongoing………….

In the darkness, solitude is truly realized. Surrounded by nothing but four blank walls…..the insignificance of your existence is recognized…and then you begin to sink again……..Tears start to wet the ground around you………..Your feet begin to descend……….Life is becoming cloaked by quicksand which you cannot escape.

Tears of sadness turn to rage………
            Tears of rage become hate……..
                        And hate consumes the soul……….

Yet I still thought….

To have all, then to lose it all…..
To want more, yet be unable to obtain it…
Consumed by the thought of not knowing….never truly knowing……….

Sometimes, our biggest downfall is our own mind…… We think too much. We dwell too much on the negative happenings of our lives and we let them consume us. A thought turns into a dream which then evolves into an ongoing nightmare that we live daily. Each day it is the same, we cower in that corner of misery and live the same event over and over and over again til the peak of our sadness has been reached and we feel as though it cannot be pacified by anyone.

People have a tendency of never seeing the good in situations. We extrapolate that every happening in our life is an outright attack on our personal integrity. We don’t take away any lessons for the situations; instead we just believe that “someone” is against us.

I thought………

I thought so much about the same thing over and over again. I thought about what happened. I thought about how I felt. I thought about how much sadness and hatred was now an emotional burden for me…. I thought about so much, but I never once thought about how I played a role.

I never thought about how my actions could have been the cause.
I never thought about how maybe I need to look within myself and change things.
I never thought that maybe the only person who was against me was myself……….

For the past few nights I have been in heavy thought.

Wondering…..
Contemplating…..
Hoping….

Words floated endlessly through my mind just like feathers on the wind on a cool autumn breeze. Frighteningly beautiful thoughts.

But today……….. I won’t let those thoughts consume me….I can no longer blame one person for a situation that the outcome is dependent on multiple people and situations. I look within myself for clarification. I look within myself for peace. For no one is against me, I am my own worst enemy. And I realize that if I want change, it will start with me. Things happen in life…… Some good things… Some bad things…. Some days you will be happy… Other days you may be really really sad. But each day is a blessing and a day to learn. Look within yourself for clarity. Do not try to discard your own faults as nonexistent. We are not perfect, nor are we expected to be. Life may throw us many punches, but sometimes we must look at situations to realize if we are the reason that life decided to swing.
Have a great day,

Monica Renata 
My Book: 
CreateSpace: https://www.createspace.com/4430912
The Awkward Butterfly: http://amzn.com/B00EP5A484